You know, when you miss someone,

you do crazy things.

Does she miss him?

Does he miss her?

She misses him...

This

Why is it the first line of every entry the hardest to type?

I think I've written and erased multiple lines before finally settling for the one you see just above this one.

So here's the deal:

I want to be a very real person, and this blog sometimes doesn't accurately represent who I am on the regular.  - My blog has, more often than not, served as a sort of refuge: It's the place where I go when I'm in emotional distress or in a very mellow, contemplative, poetry-writing mood. - I write when I'm sad, angry, disappointed, heartbroken, etc.  Because of this, however, I may come off as being a very emotional, depressed, and disturbed person! 

---

Because I'm NOT always that emotional, I sometimes come back to read previous blog posts only to cringe or to feel extremely embarrassed at my posts.  These feelings regularly lead me to un-publish and draft the majority of my blog posts: The ones that are so personal and nostalgic for me.

Recently, I've met some people who have inspired me to be okay sharing these vulnerable moments with the general public.  - As scary as that IS, I have made a decision to re-publish and un-draft all posts that have ever been composed in those moments because I AM fragile, and my blog is ironically about demonstrating that fragility: Something that has been such a struggle for me.

So, here they are: The posts written in my most vulnerable moments filled with the most pungent of emotions.

I'll leave it up to you to make of it what you will - But let this serve as a reminder that we are all human in our fragility, and this is mine: 

Home

I'm here in the Denver airport waiting for the flight back home, and I honestly can't wait. 

I've always been pretty good at adapting to all kinds of environments, but the older I get, the more sensitive I have become. 

The first day was rough. We had red-eye flights all the way to Washington DC, rented a car, and spent the whole morning and early afternoon walking to and from various monuments and memorials. - On top of that, I had been pretty upset about things, and my mind was still in Utah.  By the afternoon, I had turned into a zombie and didn't realize how tired and grumpy I was until my sister accidentally closed the car window on my pinky! 

THAT was the turning point for me, and I immediately felt a surge of hot tears well up in my eyes. - It reminded me of the way little kids cry when they are so alarmed and exhausted that they just CRY, and they won't stop! - So there I was with the uncontrollable tears streaming down my face as I walked down the crowded streets of DC to our dinner destination where I finally calmed down. 

We got more sleep that night.

------

Sunday we ran went to church in Pennsylvania where My brother, sister-in-law, and I played the musical number for their sacrament meeting. After the meeting, we ran into my piano teacher's sister-in-law who was also visiting for her own son's graduation. Her son happened to be my brother's best friend all throughout medical school. - What a small world! 

That day, we attended graduation and spent the afternoon visiting with family. Then, Vicky, Joseph, and I left for New York City where we met up with Vicky's mission friends Natalie and Joel. We had the best late dinner and then headed back to Natalie's to catch up and spend the night. - Monday morning, Vicky and I woke up early for a run to Central Park. I got to take some photos and later met a stranger named Patricia: A 71 year old lady who had moved to NYC from the Bahamas.  

After sight seeing and getting some baked goods from a famous bakery, we headed back to Pennsylvania to meet up with the rest of our family. - Jeff and Kara brought us to Hershey's chocolate world and then we went to the park to play a game of croquet and tennis. The weather was much warmer that day, and we played in teams of two. - Joseph and I won the game of croquet, and that was pretty amazing becausewe started out losing (my fault) but ended up catching up and winning first. - Joseph's a pretty awesome teammate and set up all the shots for me. :) 

We ended the night with dinner at Benihana's. Even though it wasn't actually Sorren's birthday, we pretended it was to get free ice cream. (Shhh, don't tell.) Sorren was elated when the whole restaurant started singing Happy Birthday to him, and he was so hyper after eating the whole bowl by himself. 

After saying our good bye's, we drove back to DC and stayed the night at a hotel. This morning, we woke up at 4:45 to return the rental car and catch a flight to the Denver airport where we're currently waiting for our last flight home. 

Overall, the trip went pretty well. The best part was seeing family. The worst part was missing Utah and its mountains. - And after comparing the busy east-coast city life to that of my Utah home, I am convinced that I am and will always be a rural kind of person. 

Outstretch

This blog is like an outstretched arm:


A call made by a traveler just to be heard because in fact, she has fears of being forgotten.

But no one should ever feel abandoned.

So I'm stopping now.

Space

I walk crooked without you.

Something's tugging me towards those memories and moments unexplained. 

We decided it's always been an inner battle between you and you, and me and me. 

Fate. 

I said I believe in fate, and you didn't laugh. 

You never laugh because you believe in the same fate:

The one that is now the breaking point,

The one that robbed us and begs us to change because change is redemption,

Change is mercy, change is the only way for there to be an us because there was never truly an "us" about us. 

It was always me. Or it was always you. But there was never an us because let's be honest: I never let us be. 

So, 

This bitterness that consumes my flesh: It has no place longer to conjure in my heart, my soul. 

Flesh, you know, is an abstract fool. 

It cries and writhes because it's dark; yet, its opposite soul is light. Flesh screams and writhes because never will it have the ability or power that Soul holds. 

It's fake in its successes or claim to our hearts. It has nothing and lusts after everything. 

FLESH IS NOT US.

It never was.
It never can be.

We are Soul. 

Soul: 

Soul is forgiveness: the light that turns fools into angels,

Abolishing all fear, 

Taking back virtue,

Reconciling all sense and sanity. 

You know, 

There are spaces in our hearts that exist primarily to hold those dearest to us. 

It's the kind that glows no matter the storm, remaining, hoping, waiting...

It's the kind we're afraid to approach for fear of hurting or feeling the pangs only felt by loss and deception - Yet, we cling to such because of the very source that fuels the fire. 

Yet fire untamed cannot refine gold. 

So, we must face that space: the one that claims our soul and wreaks of burning flesh. 

Because that space will heal, and healing is what will bring you and me to us. 

She said, "work on the things you have in your control."

God blesses those who do their part.

Who'll be there to bring you flowers?
Rain or shine?

So leave it to the stars

We'll find a way.


We always do.

I'm not coping very well.

G N

Miss you

Wake

When the light comes in.

When its rays and shadows lie on your face, a moment captured in a picture

Yeah, you know the one.


THAT is my peace.

Sun

Will you call when the time is right?

When the storm has settled and the rains cease to fall?

They keep telling me the time isn't right, but all I hear is your voice. All I can see is your kind eyes.

Breathe.

This was one of those nights: Those sleepless nights -- Ones filled with angry tears, pleading prayers -- One of those nights meant for frantic writing, late-night typing, and lovers votes.


I once read about a man who only wrote when his heart bled, when it was no longer pumping the same red blood.  It never seemed to work any other way.

Why is it during the weakest, most enraging of moments that the strongest speeches and the loveliest art produced?  Perhaps it's only to make us work harder, to become stronger, to remind us of our own strength, our capacity to never stop.

That man's blood wasn't red.

No.

It had turned icy cold for the night - reminiscent of that blue blood that would stench so of nostalgic rage.

BREATHE.

*silence

And then,

BREATHE!

PLEASE breathe.

...

 I WANT you to breathe.

I want to breathe, he said.

He wanted the whole world to breathe.  

He hated the chains of his past, his birth... that seemed to mercilessly bind him!

He despised the circumstances of his inheritance, his misfortune, his luck.

What he wanted would seemingly always slip out of his hands!

She had become dear - extremely dear - SO dear that he could read her even when she did not speak... for she didn't like to speak when her blood was blue... but the beautiful thing about all the unfortunate events was that she completely understood him. 

Perhaps he did not know it at first, but he soon realized that maybe she DID weep at night, and maybe she DID care because there was truth... You know, the truth that remains no matter what you do to it... The truth that remains the same forever and ever.  She understood him, and that IS the truth.

The man seemed to always know what to say.  He was used to reassuring her, for he had done it for months and months:

So, do you know what he always said in response?

It was this:

OF COURSE you will.  There will be a time.  Take heart.  Take care.  You're beautiful, and beautiful things always grow.

Such was the calm that this blue-eyed man brought to her anxious heart, for he only wanted the best to soothe her frequently distressed soul.

How could she repay him?!  How could she let him know when her tongue refused to move, her mouth afraid to open?

I want you to feel so pungently how I feel - for your heart to be filled with so much empathy and understanding that it bursts at the seams!!! - WITHOUT breaking, she said.

I want you to close your eyes and know how my heart breaks 10000x's the amount of tears streaming down my tired face on any one of those nights!

No! 

I want so many things, but time does not permit, and I'm ice blue...

So, gently taking her hand, he fondly looked down and planted a kiss, and that's all she needed for she was tired, and that was all she needed to sleep.