June 7, 2016

Design

So it was,
So it stayed.

God made man,
not to bend or break,
but to mold and refine,
to enliven, to create.

MY God was one, an associate.

So to Him, I crawl in agony.

DON'T LEAVE ME HERE TO DISINTEGRATE.

"Your heart, my dear
It's very clear:
It's broken,
You know not how to mend it.

I hear your cries,
your deepest sighs,
you're jealous and bitter,
My dearest youth, you know it!"
Alas, it's true.
My very youth,
It's stubborn, 
and it's hurting.

What's wronged me so?
How can I know?
To change my heart,
To change my soul,
How can I even know it?

"So CHANGE it, dear!
Don't wait for fear.
Or pride to come destroy it.
No one has wronged
your heartless song,
The melody's not broken!

Your heart is YOURS,
to mend, to mold.
Get on with it, 
don't blow it!"

Get on with it?
Get on with what?
My life: Is it what I'VE chosen?!

Which way? 
What time?
How so?
Why now?

Is it I who even knows it?!
"Ask, my dear.
Find out,
don't fear.

Whatever it is,
you name it.

Then anchor strong,
Go write YOUR song,
That's MY design.
Don't forfeit."

[NOT]

video

It's okay if you reach out to her.
It's okay if you fall in love.
It's okay if you never look back.
It's okay if you need slack.

It's okay if you never feel the same.
It's okay that I'm the one to blame.
It's okay for hearts to hurt.
It's okay that bridges burn.

It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.

But even though they say "It's okay,"

I don't want to be.

But if it's meant to be, let it be.

Cause catharsis is my heart beating out of my chest,
It's impulsive break.
It's needing to see your face.

It's pushing you away.

KUTV






June 6, 2016

Lake Blanche

"Lake Blanche Trail is a 6.9 mile moderately trafficked out and back trail located near Salt Lake City, UT that features a waterfall and is rated as difficult. The trail offers a number of activity options and is accessible from June until October."

Hiking Lake Blanche was a really neat experience.  I wasn't really dressed for the hike, as you can see in the pictures below:

After our group drove up Big Cottonwood Canyon, we walked up to the trail head and began hiking mid-day (It was around 2 p.m, the HOTTEST time of the day).  Because there was barely any shade the whole time, I felt a lot of heat exhaustion most of the way up.  (THANK GOODNESS FOR WATER AND GRANOLA BARS!)

As we made the last turn to the lake, I couldn't have been more relieved/happy to see the cool lake! :) Blue clear water reflected the trees and mountains surrounding us, and we spent some time skipping rocks and dipping our feet in the freezing glacier water.  

Unfortunately, we didn't realize that there were actually THREE lakes total up there.  There were two that we missed because we didn't look past the brick wall that you see in the second picture, but we did enjoy watching the waterfall and passing a resting moose on our way back down!

I would definitely hike this trail again, but I probably would go early in the morning, wear lighter clothes, and maybe bring a swimsuit to jump in the water at the top.  Hiking in my chacos wasn't too bad.  I'd probably just wear my new Nike tennis shoes if I were to do a hike more than 5 miles like this one, but I didn't come out with any blisters, and they held up quite nicely.  :)

Here are some photos from the hike (Most were taken by Claire, my best friend from elementary school):







Grin

Have you ever uncontrollably grinned?

It's common to find yourself laughing or smiling around others, especially when they seem to have a particular sense of humor.

But to uncontrollably grin when you're all alone:
When you're reading a letter, a note, something... meant for YOU.

(And this is PRECISELY where you'd find that person starting to grin.)

ISN'T THAT REALLY a notable sensation: One I never realized was so sweet until now.

It's notable not because you're grinning, but because you're smiling all on your own: Because you're genuinely, uncontrollably happy. Maybe it's because you've been remembered, because you feel connected, because you suddenly feel at peace.

But it doesn't matter how or why because you're breathing, and those moments make you happy.

June 5, 2016

June 4, 2016

Friend

Erika has become one of my best friends within the short time we've known each other, and things seem to just make sense when we talk. - And everything that we talk about seems to always remind me of him.

It's not like I'm trying only to remember him and everything we did together. It's just that he happens to be a big part of my life, my best friend, and someone I've learned to trust more than anyone I've ever known.

Moments of our conversation really caused me to remember how amazing and wonderful he was and is. - I just hope I don't lose something that so dearly holds my heart, and I have moments where I really really miss him.

Sometimes I experience an urge to call, to run and find him, and to just talk/tell him how much I want to share memories and reminisce, but I stop myself because I remember that things wouldn't change if I did. - We'd still be a secret, and I'd still never know.

But I do miss him.

That's ok, right??

So I express this to Erika, and she reassures me. - "Time will tell!" She says... And she's completely right! Time does tell, and it's OK to be taking time to figure things out. It doesn't mean that I didn't ever or don't still love him. It just means there are things we both need to find out for ourselves, and God will take care of the rest.

Think about it.

If I didn't meet Erika that night, I would have never found a best friend I KNOW I was supposed to meet. There's something about her that I feel so strongly connected to... Like finding a long-lost friend: the one you've always wanted and can go to without feeling pressured to be or do anything just to please them.

It just goes to show that God is in control, and He is aware of each of us. He knows what we need, who we need, and when we need all those things, and the biggest favor I can do for myself and for Him is to TRUST in that and keep praying.

So, here I am determined to be worthy of God's guidance. I hope you'd do that with me, and we'll rise together.

PS. KUTV was a good experience, but I'm pretty sure the sound guys didn't actually catch my part, and so I was going ham, but nothing was sounding. So, if you saw the broadcast, you'll know what I mean.

June 3, 2016

Moments gone by are moments closer to figuring out why things have always changed the way they have, and no one will ever understand me the way you understood me. 

Hearts change, and so will we. 
I went on a night run tonight up the canyon. 

It made me feel enlivened, happy, eager to live, learn, and love.

I am not my past, and I am not my future. 

I am my present, and this is change.