April 3, 2015

In Vera

Remember what you said to me - the words I pushed aside-
on nights that I'd forgotten - in times I filled with lies?

Remember what it took for you to brush past all my fears?
The times you braced yourself because you knew my depths so clear?

Remember all those moments -
The ones we were apart
When all that played was music-
That was my truest part.

And everything you said to me
was nothing I'd ever heard.
I pushed and pushed and grimaced-
All my beliefs were blurred.
So if you've come here looking -
Even after my causing pain
And if you've come here missing -
There's the slightest chance I'm sane.

Here's a list of my reflections -
What's been buzzing through my head
On nights I wake from dreaming
of loss and pain and dread:

It's pitiful in rhyming,
the lines uneven - spread.
But it's the only way I'm speaking
Since talking I've said is dead.

You told me to be vulnerable-
Those words wrack in my head.
Of course it's as of recent
I've realized to what my pride has led.

A question to be noted,
a thought that came to mind:
What prayers had you been saying?
Where they cold or warm and kind?

For beauty to be beauty
For life to fill with love
For all I've ever wanted
There's One that's there above.

For all this to be present
Yes, the very worst is true.
I'm sure you've seen the dark in me.
 I can't deny the truth.

Perhaps this is what I needed
to feel the pain I caused
- The pain that you so tempered
when my passion was all but lost.
Are you very angry?
I don't blame you to be.
It's true I deserve it -
I've been too cold for rescue.

God's blessed me dearly,
I've been blind to see.
It's true what Lewis said, you know?
Loss is a blanket that spreads across all peace.

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