He follows me outside while I'm taking the trash so he can protect me from anything hiding in bushes...
Although... I'm pretty sure that if something did jump out of the bushes, he'd run inside screaming and leave me alone with my trash.
Regardless, I love this little guy - actually - he's not little. He's had a growth spurt and is taller than little me darn it!
Aside the fact that his friends pick their noses with their pinky toes while sitting on banana chairs, he's a pretty cool guy, and he makes me laugh harder than a hyena on steroids.
If you're wondering what goes on in his head, here's one of his ridiculously nonsensical, outrageous compositions: (You may not find it funny, but Vicky and I find it absolutely hilarious.)
GREEN DEATH
By: Jon and John
Hi, my name is Perry. I go to Stanford University. I am 5’10 and have brown hair. I have blue eyes, and I am a monster hunter. (You are probably thinking “What the heck. A monster hunter!?”) Yeah, I should probably start from the very beginning. Two days ago, I woke up to a call from my neighbor.
“What?” I said in a druggy voice. (This is what I get for staying up all night drinking root beer and watching Star Trek.)
“Hey you!” a man replied in an Irish accent. “I need you to baby sit my three kids.”
“Okay,” I said as he hung up the phone. “Great” I thought, “I have to take care of three little freaks for the rest of the day”
I got to the house twenty minutes later. I knocked about twenty times before a short man wearing all green answered the door.
“Who are you?” He asked.
“I am here to baby sit your children you called like twenty minutes ago.”
“Oh yeah, they are in the Living paidaohfdjsaj,” he said
“The what?”
“The Living Room. Now I have some business to attend to in my office.” As he left, he plopped his green top hat on, and started running. He was as fast as a vampire!
“Hmm strange,” I thought. “Oh well, I’ve got a job to do.” I walked into the living room where three kids were playing the new game “Gears of War 5 Alien Destroyer.”
“Hey kids,” I said, I’ll be right here studying for my test. Don’t bother me like other brats would.”
I started studying until I got distracted by the awesomeness of the game. The characters would kill vampires and other aliens using crossbows, shotguns, and other violent instruments of war.
Later, when the strange man got home, I could see a dark red splatter through his raincoat, and I also noticed that his hat was missing.
The next morning, I read the daily news, when I stumbled upon a column about a man found dead in the forest near my dorm. I decided that I would go with my roommate, Steve, and go check out the crime scene. When we got there, we saw the body. It had two bite marks in his neck. Because my roommate and I were both nerds, we decided that those bite marks were vampire bites marks. Also a little bit to the left of the body was the green top hat that the person I babysat for slipped on before he ran into his “Office.” Suddenly, Steve said “Oh my gosh. Perry, the murderer, has to be a Leprechaun-Vampire!”
Later that day, I remembered how the kids were killing the monsters in that video game. I loaded up with a crossbow, a bunch of stakes, garlic grenades (regular grenades, but with garlic coating the outside).
When I finished, the same neighbor called, “I need you to baby-sit my children again.”
I took Steve to watch the kids so that I could follow the man with my parent’s car. I threw all my gear into the car and when he started running, I followed him. We got to the forest and it started to rain. I waited half an hour and fell asleep. When I woke up, he was gone. I went to my dorm. The crime had already been committed. “I WAS SO CLOSE!” I thought.
The next morning, my roommate asked, “Did you catch him?”
“No!”
“Where can we find leprechauns and vampires?” He asked jokingly, “it is so fake dude. Just give up!”
Then suddenly, I figured it out, “You find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, don’t you?”
“Yeah.”
“So if I go to the end of the rainbow, I will find a leprechaun!” I exclaimed.
“Hahahahahaha! Dude come on this is so fake!”
“I’m going, but you need to baby sit his kids tonight!”
“Fine. But you owe me one,” he replied.
Outside smelled like rain. I saw a rainbow. I threw my gear into the car and started to find a way across the rainbow. I took a trail until it got dark. It started to rain cats and dogs. The rain wouldn’t let up. The methodical thud of the wiper blades lulled me into complacent dreams. Narrowing to a single land, the road wrapped itself around and out of the silhouetted trees and tangled underbrush. Darkness grew palpable and cloistering. I searched for the clearing, but my headlights bounced of every grotesques rock formations. I slowed to a crawl, when suddenly a shadow crisscrossed my path. As I hit the brake, my car lunged forward like a cat off a wall. What awaited me was not a dog or a cat, but the most horrible of my nightmares.
A Leprechaun-Vampire! I saw him! He was green all over, except he had red eyes and long sharp fangs. I shone my headlights on him and it was the man I baby-sat for. I quickly grabbed my gear and chased it into the woods. I lost him, but I still ran towards his general direction until I came into a large clearing. I turned on my flashlight and found that this clearing was swarming with Leprechaun-Vampires. In one second, they all surrounded me. I pulled out my garlic grenades and threw them in every direction. They all blew up and only five or six more were left. I then pulled out the crossbow loaded with stakes. Then, I shot. I took down one and now there were only four more to go. I shot another one down. Then out from behind me, the man said, “I will kill you,” as he jumped on my back, scratching me all over. Then all of the sudden, a wolf came and devoured all of the leprechaun-vampires. After this, he transformed into a human.
I stood there stupefied as he said, “My name is Jacob Black. Nice to meet you, oh, and by the way what you just saw wasn’t real. So you can go back to your car and drive home.”
I obeyed and drove away. The next morning, I read another article about a man found dead in a field. I investigated again and saw that the man was bitten and mauled all over and for some reason he was sparkling… Fairy wolves!
From then on… I was nicknamed Perry… Perry the monster hunter.
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